Raise and Fall in three nights with Ben

I had said I would wait a while before kissing. But here under rain drops innocent pecks turned into desires. My mouth found his and I forgot about my promises. Slowly using my tongue to draw out his mouth. I felt alive. It felt so good to just give in passionately.

Why can’t we feel like this all the time? In the moment I wasn’t worrying about what I would have to let go of and I know a feeling like this never lasts forever. But still, let’s not make promises.

How I really feel

Fully expressing myself has been the most difficult thing to do, to be this person with all theses fantasies. All that I feel I have to hide. Once when I was young I fantasied about my history teacher. All the things I wanted to show him. Things my society told me girls don’t do. But you see I wanted to. I wanted to trust someone enough to share that.

Nonetheless it hurts, the pulling away of someone else. The realisation that this wasn’t for them or maybe too much. I can’t lie that maybe a little part of me saw this sting as a sign. I couldn’t help but imagine what he was thinking. I wondered if cold turkey was what I needed to do and choose only to invest in what I truly believed in. I thought about the saying that those who are not here are meant to be some place else. I choose to accept this silence.

I’ve been craving this for so long

I wondered if this time I had an epiphany of a different kind, to be able to learn-so this became a catalyst for change. The change I had somehow spoken about forever. I enjoyed it enough to know what I wanted. I wanted to listen terrible to me and mostly again to believe with all my being that I would find someone again who felt like home. I wanted to feel the depths of passion.

My mind drifted again to the night on the balcony. Fresh crisp air and forgetting about stares, with the whole city watching I lay open. Choosing not to be scared this time, as he tasted me, and all the sweet saltiness. I had crossed over to not caring that night. I heard muffled voices in the background but they faded to the moans of my pleasure. I had let someone in. That trust that was needed before had become just enough to let slip away my fears. He liked it-my taste. I liked the look on his face. I wanted more than I could be given. Somehow I still knew this man was not for me and I think he knew too. But still expectations grew. I found that I liked the way he truly laughed once and I accepted the limits.

When I realised that the sexual pleassure began…

You know the funniest things can happen in life. You could find the simplest pleasure in truly being with someone, even someone you know you will have to let go in a minute. His eyes had the weirdest brown. Light enough to see through them and some moments a little glimpse was shown-we enjoyed being there. It was comfortable till it wasn’t, suddenly so quickly. The guilt and thinking came in. That night I put my mouth in his and wished a silly dream. I imagined strongly taking what I wanted.

His hands found a way to scissors and I was cut open. My breasts freed from holds. I tied his hands to his back and I don’t know what happened. I let go of everything that I was ever taught to be and I just gave in to him. All my vulnerability and rawness came flooding in. The realisation that I was letting him reach the parts of me I had kept to myself for so long. I kissed him passionately I let my legs climb. Facing backwards head down, I moved to moans, reaching deeper. I did all the things I wanted to do. I let pleasure lead. I was burning.

… but than I realised

My mind glanced at new things and ruins. I got hurt. I was standing in the kitchen crying and forgetting why I was there in the first place. His hugs did nothing to change how I was feeling. I guess we all have to face our fears. Only a few minutes ago I was riding a wave. With him behind and the softest feeling, between my two lips. Up, down and around. Shock waves soaring, through my body that tied me to. It’s so. I whispered words I shouldn’t. No reply. Energy filled everything but the hollow space. Maybe then I feared that I would have to face my fears. What if he didn’t care? I was on fire till I wasn’t. I knew then what had changed. A little taste of it all then came clarity.

It was fun, it was good but I know deep down there’s no feeling like when you feel the person loving you cares deeply for you. I wondered if maybe waiting till I found that was something that would stop the feeling of being less connected. I was scared to just be myself. I had to hide deep feelings because I couldn’t really let go. My guard always up. I often limited myself when with him because I knew those deep feelings from him weren’t there. I wanted to just let go.

I could pretend but what I wanted was there to be a deeper connection. I wanted to fully give in to emotions. I didn’t. Culture says its exciting but maybe I’m a “good girl” or just a girl realising she can be truly loved in all the ways she imagined and dreamed. I didn’t want to wait. I wanted to feel this feeling in my body but my soul too. The friend and the lover. Does that exist? I wouldn’t wait but I didn’t want anything than someone who really saw me, who held tightly, deeply touched and really felt. Nothing is guaranteed, Life is a mystery, let’s just let some light in when things change.

I learned my lesson and still enjoyed it

I took the little steps needed to have faith, knowing I didn’t know this man well enough. I only felt a connection to him. I was curious and learning what it was I wanted. I enjoyed his company and choose to not focus on his flaws. I choose to not be too hard on myself and loosen the reigns. I know it hurt when I didn’t feel back what I wanted to feel but now I don’t see it happening any other way. What did I learn? I learnt that I needed to show myself more compassion. I learnt that you can have everything you want. I learnt that passion without connection is not for me and I learnt to listen to that voice.

I am in acceptance of what is.

I am in lux, 28, ‘inexperienced’ and learning to love. I am in discovery.